Confession

or I only Smoke when Other People Drink

Tim woke to hear Ethan sneezing around the kitchen as he did every morning, but this morning was different.   This morning, there was a different tone to Ethan’s sneezes; today, the irritation didn’t seem to be to expel a particular allergen or irritant, but rather that the irritation was directed much more external irritant.   They sounded angry. 

Tim pulled on his jeans from last night and padded to the kitchen, just in time to watch Ethan catch a quick “HatChoo!” In his elbow. 

“Bless you.”   

“Thank you.” Ethan responded, coolly.  “Coffee is ready.  Eggs will be in a minute.  Can you get the toast?” 

Tim watched as he rubbed his nose with his forearm, then continued scrambling eggs.   Tim made toast then set it on the table as Ethan finished the eggs.  Ethan managed to slide the pan on the table, then hastily spin away for another “Atchoo!” 

“Bless you.” 

“Thank you.” 

Tim finished feeding his cat and sat down as Ethan sat across from him, expressionless, picked up his fork and began eating. 

“Did you have a good time last night?”  Tim asked.  “Was the beach too hard on your allergies?” 

“It was fun.”  Ethan’s tone was neutral.  “I like spending time with your friends.” 

Tim took a bite as Ethan sneezed again, again, sounding angry. 

“The beach is usually a pretty good place to take me, in terms of allergies,” Ethan offered up a small smile. 

“Oh.   It’s just, I heard you get up for Benadryl last night.   And you seem to be sneezing more this morning…bonfire smoke?” 

Ethan waved his hand away.  “You could say that.  I’ll be fine.”  He cleared his throat.   “I, uh, didn’t know you smoked.” 

Tim looked confused for a minute, then sighed.   “I don’t.  Not really.” 

“You looked awfully comfortable doing it last…Hatchoo! Last night.”    

“I only smoke once in awhile.”  Time was defensive.  

“Tim, you have asthma.”  Ethan was blunt. 

“Look, I only smoke when other people drink.” 

It was Ethan’s turn to look confused.    

“Look, I don’t get on people for drinking.   Not drinking, that’s my thing.   I can’t drink, so I smoke.” 

“You can’t drink?” 

“You’re aware who my brother was, right?” 

Ethan nodded.  Steve Fitzpatrick had been a household name…before he died…of a drug overdose.    

“I was going down that path.   Alex pulled me out.  Sent me to treatment..twice.   I’ve been sober 5 years…but even with friends, if there’s alcohol…I’m not really comfortable.    I need to step away and, I smoke.   I only had 4.” 

“Only?” Ethan stared at him, ready to start lecturing on the dangers of lung cancer, on asthma and smoking. 

Tim recognized that look.  “Look, I’m not on you because you had 3 drinks, am I?” His tone was cutting. 

“Hatchoo!”  Ethan ducked his head down into his chest for a quick sneeze, more annoyed than angry this time.   Tim recognized the annoyed sound; Ethan hated sneezing when they were fighting…or on the verge of one. 

“Yes, Tim, I had 3 drinks.  At a party.  With a designated driver.  Judging me for that?  When was the last time I drank?” 

Tim bit his lip.  Ethan didn’t drink often, but he wasn’t the chain smoker Ethan was making him out to be.  “You don’t drink often.”  He sighed.  “I only smoke at things like that. Kinda like the light drinking at social functions.” 

He sighed again.  “It’s hard.  You wouldn’t understand.” 

Ethan sneezed again, a different kind of annoyed this time…the I wish this would quit annoyed.  “Is that why you go out and eat donuts without me?  Because you don’t want me to feel uncomfortable?” 

Tim’s turn to look confused.   “What do donuts have to do with my smoking?” 

“Because it took me a long time to feel comfortable with other people eating sweet things in front of me.  So, I guess, I kinda, maybe, know how you feel.   Like, vaguely.   I know addiction is different.  But I understand being the one who can’t have something in a group.  And feeling different.”  

Tim nodded.   It was a reach, but Ethan was trying to understand. 

“HatChoo!” 

“So, if it wasn’t the beach, and it wasn’t the bonfire, what had you Benadryl-ing last night, and has you sneezing so much this morning?   And why the angry sneezes?” 

“My sneezes weren’t angry…maybe a little irritated, but not angry.” 

“They were totally angry.” 

Ethan looked at him and took a deep breath.  “It’s you.  You didn’t shower or change your clothes last night.  Just got into bed.   Cigarette smoke kills my sinuses.   I didn’t want to keep you up sneezing, and I’m still sneezing this morning.  And, I guess, maybe, I was a little angry.” 

“Oh.”  He responded as Ethan sneezed again. 

“Look, I can’t make you comfortable with that.   I can try.  But I guess, if you have to smoke, don’t go straight to bed.   At least not with me.” 

He sighed.   “Why didn’t you ever tell me any of this?” 

Tim’s turn to sigh.  “I wanted to be sure you’d stick around first, I guess.”  He looked down at the table then at Ethan.  “I lost control when I came out here after college.   If it weren’t for Alex and Bill…. I was running with Steve’s crowd.   Alex was there, but he’s a lightweight; he was more on the periphery.   He tried to get to Steve, but…” 

“But he got to you.” 

“After Steve.  I was on klonapin to get through the day, then drinking til I blacked out at night.  Bill fired me, said he wasn’t trusting me with taxes that way.  I was bitching to Alex about it.   They double-teamed me.  Tried doing it on my own…you know, prove I could.  Failed.   Tried just meetings…failed.  Rehab the first time…failed.  Rehab and meetings seem to be what’s worked…” 

“Meetings?” 

“I go Friday mornings.  You’re at work.” 

“Oh.”  Ethan rubbed his nose, then held up a finger as the other hand grasped a napkin.  “Ahtschoo!” 

“Both Alex and Bill have it as a condition that I can only work for them if I’m sober.   Alex can keep me from getting a writing job if he chooses.  I could find another accounting job, but not one with the flexibility Bill gives me.” 

Ethan blew his nose.  “Why hide this?” 

“Not on purpose.   More, it’s never really come up.  I mean, you don’t really drink because it messes with your blood sugar, so we don’t typically even consider ordering alcohol.  When you do, you don’t question why I don’t.” 

Ethan shrugged.  “Driving, low tolerance, don’t like…there’s a hundred reasons.  I just never considered self destructive tendencies.”  He looked down.  “Can I ask how much?” 

“Bottle of vodka a night…at the end.  Couldn’t skip a night.  Didn’t want to.  Just wanted more.  I couldn’t stop.”  He swallowed. “I mean, I always binge drank.   High school on.   After Steve, I just couldn’t deal anymore.   My own anxiety swelled up…it numbed being in my skin.” 

“Atchoo!”  Ethan interrupted, blowing his nose again.  “Sorry.  I hate that I’m sneezing through this.” 

Tim gave him a small smile.  “Sorry I made it worse today. 

“It’s ok.  Keep talking.” 

“The binging increased..to everyday.   Until it took control.   Comments were made about my drinking, so I started drinking alone.   Drinking was fun…then at the end…” He paused for another sneeze from Ethan.   “At the end it was me, in a studio apartment, drinking alone with the TV.” 

Ethan’s sad smile sad it all. 

“Anyway, 5 years.  It took 3 relapses to get me to this point.   And I do what it takes to make me comfortable at those types of things.  I don’t want to just skip out on everything either.  Or expect everyone to adjust to me.” 

“I undersahhShoo!  God dammit!  I’m sorry about this.”  He gestured to his nose.   “I understand.  I don’t understand the mindset that got you there.   But I understand the last part, a little.” 

Tim looked at him.    

“I understand skipping out because you’re different.  Or being jealous because everyone has something you can’t.   Feeling like everyone’s questioning you because you skipped out. I used to eat before I’d go places.   I guess I can understand a cigarette or two.  Or 4.   I don’t like it.  But, it’s a better option for you, I guess.” 

Tim looked down.  “Look..if you don’t want to, you know, deal with this, I’ll understand.  I really like you but, it’s your choice…” 

Ethan stared at him.  “Tim,” he sighed. “I…holdon- HahChoo!  I’m just glad I know.  Maybe it’ll make things hard sometimes, but, we’ll work through it, ok.”  He sniffled and stepped around to Tim, giving him a hug, resting his chin on the top of his head.  “HahAhChoo!”  He sneezed a few seconds later.  “But before we move forward with any more talking, you need to shower and wash your hair and I need to shower and try to get my sinuses to settle down.” 

Tim nodded.  “You wanna go first?”