- Kink
Freddie was in the bathroom while Jamie sat on the bed, trying to read. He was trying to get ready for bed; instead, he was distracted, listening to Jamie sneeze. He loved hearing her sneeze, though, he could never tell her that. It was hard enough hiding the effects her frequent sneezing had on him.
“Hi-ihtschoo! Ihhtschoo! Sweety?” She appeared in the bathroom doorway, and he jumped.
“Hey, hon.” He ducked to give her a kiss. “What’s up?”
“Do we… eehhtschoo! Do we have any more tissues in here?….Shit…not agaihhn…ahhihhtschoo! Ihhhtschoo! Hhuhhh….ihhtschoo! Uhhhh…huhhh…ihhhtschoo….huhhhhhhhhh…tschoo!”
Freddie watched her head bob forward sharply with the first two sneezes, then watched her fight to get the last three out. He never wanted her more than in these moments. If there was a 2% chance she’d understand, he’d tell her, but he kept his mouth shut.
Everyone had kinks. This was Freddie’s.
- Hand Sanitizer
In retrospect, he should have stayed home from work, Alex mused, sneezing again. He hadn’t had a cold this bad in years. Constant sniffling and nose blowing, near constant cough, frequent sneezing. They’d brought in a guest host, for crying out loud.
No one would come near him. Everyone had checked in on him, but fled when the coughing got out of control or after the third or fourth sneeze.
He had returned from the bathroom when he noticed the large bottle on his desk. A large green bottle with a bow on it. Hand sanitizer. With a card. “Thought you could use this; feel better boss” signed by the entire office.
- Frightened
Freddie sat there anxiously. Jamie had been sneezing for 10 minutes straight, barely able to draw a breath between sneezes. He’d been hearing her wheeze the last couple minutes, but fortunately, he noticed, the sneezes were slowing down.
“Hiitschoo! Can you get my purse?” She asked in a tight voice, finally getting a break long enough to speak. “hiiitcschuhh”. He noticed even her sneezes were tight and raspy.
He brought her purse to her and she pulled her inhaler out of the side pocket, and waited. “Come on.” He heard her whisper, and realized she was trying to time it between sneezes. “Huhh…hiiihhtschhoo!” She took a puff off the inhaler and held her breath. 20 seconds later, she let it out, coughing.
Freddie too let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Her sneezing returned, still slower, and he put a hand on her shoulder. “Ok?” He mouthed, when she looked at him.
She nodded. “Ok.” She managed back. “Hiihhhtschoo!” She took the second puff from the inhaler and waited, then fished Benadryl out of her purse.
“I’m ok.” She told him. “Are you?” She took this in stride by now, but it still scared the bejeezus out of him.
- Fake (reference Kink)
Freddie came in the front door, and saw Jamie waiting on the couch in a dress. He groaned inwardly. The fundraising dinner for the non profit she worked for was tonight. He was tired, and the last thing he wanted was to sit through a four hour dinner.
“I’ve got your suit out.” She told him. “Ready to get ready? She led him upstairs.
He ducked in the bathroom and closed the door, having a plan to get out of this. He opened the bottom draw where he kept his stash of dental picks.” He put the rubber bristles in one of his nostrils and began twisting it around. Before he knew it “Huhh-chushh.” And his nose was running. He placed the pick back in there and kept inducing. “Huhh–chushhh.”
“Bless you.” He heard Jamie call from the bedroom.
“Huhh-chushh, uhhhchushhh, huhhhh…uhh-chuhhsshh.” He stopped inducing there, but two more sneezes found their way out when he removed the pick. He threw the pick away as Jamie knocked on the bathroom door.
“Sweety? You ok?”
He opened the door. “Yeah, I think so.” He answered, blowing his nose. “I don’t know what that was, I’ve been sneezing like this all day.” His nose still tickled and he glanced up at the bright bulbs above the sink to chase out a final sneeze. “Huhh-chushhhooo.”
“Bless you.” She looked concerned. “Do you think you’re getting a cold?”
He shrugged. “Probably.” He sniffed. “I’ll take some medicine and finish getting ready.” He managed a few coughs. “I know this is important to you.”
“But if you’re getting sick…” she trailed off, resting a hand against his forehead. “You might be a little warm. You should stay here and rest. Alex and Alyssa will be there; it’s not like I’ll be alone.” She went and brought a pair of sweats and a tshirt over to him. “I’ll have Alex pick me up, and I’ll be home as soon as I can.”
Freddie changed and curled up on the couch while she waited for Alex and Alyssa. He couldn’t believe this actually worked.
- Pencil
Hitschoo!” Jamie set the pencil down and picked up a Kleenex instead.
“Hiitschoo”
She waited. “Huhhh…huuuhhtschooo!”
Blew her nose. And waited. “Hiiiiihhh……uhhhh….hiiihtschooo!”
She gave her nose two more blows and tossed the tissue. Picking up her pencil, she got back to work.
- Squint
Alex woke up ready to claw his eyes out. He reached for the bottle of eye drops on his nightstand and put them in, then squinted at the clock. 8:20. 8:40, he could put his contacts in. He really should get an updated pair of glasses, he thought, but he hated the way he looked in them.
“Hehh-chuhhh.” He sneezed and fumbled for the tissues to smother the second one. “Hehh-chuhh.” Blowing his nose, he sat up, deciding to use his 20 minutes to shower.
- Misplaced
Jamie finished getting ready for work and went back into the bedroom to grab a few things. Her watch, eye drops, lip balm, inhaler. She found everything but her inhaler quickly. She had left it on the nightstand, but it wasn’t there. She checked the drawer and the bed before ducking down and looking under the bed. There it was.
Sighing, she dropped to her knees and reached for it, feeling a sneeze build in her nose from the dust under the bed. “Hiitschoo.” She sneezed, wrapping her hand around the inhaler and pulling away from the floor. “Hiitschoo, hiiitschoo!” She managed to stand up and grab a tissue. “Huhhh…itschoo….uhhhh….iiihhtschhooo!” She blew her nose and sniffled as Freddie came into the room.
“You ok?”
She nodded, holding up her inhaler. “Had to go under the bed.” She sniffled.
- Gratitude
Jamie came into their shared office, carrying her laptop. “Hey, still want a dog?” She asked.
Freddie looked at her as she set the laptop on his desk. “Yeah.”
“Found one at the humane society. Year old, so still basically a puppy, but trained. Interested.”
Freddie opened his mouth to respond, then turned his head and sneezed instead. “Huhhchushh. Yeah.” He scrubbed his nose. “What do we need to do?”
She walked over to the printer. “We fill out the application ask Alex and Tim…” She paused as he got a distant look on his face, cupped his hand over his nose and sneezed again, rubbing his nose. “One more?”
“At least.”
“We ask for references and wait and see if we’re approved. Then we can pick him up.” She set the application on the desk.
“Ehh-chush” Freddie sneezed, blowing his nose. “He’s not going to bother your allergies?”
“Bless you. And he shouldn’t. He’s the same as Pace.”
“You’re sure you’re ok taking care of him when I’m not here?”
“Sweety, when I said you could have a dog, I meant it.”
He wrapped his armed around her, grateful to her that he was finally getting a pet.
- Touched
”Ihshoo! Ihshoo!” Alyssa sneezed half asleep.
The sneezes woke Alex. “Bless you, baby.” He said touching her shoulder to wake her.
“What’s wrong?” She mumbled.
He smiled, amused. “You were sneezing.”
“Oh.” She rolled over and went back to sleep.
- Joy
Alex and Freddie pulled up at the animal shelter, and Freddie went inside to meet, and possibly claim Cash, noting the sign on the door to not let the cats out. Cats milled around the counter, and he unconsciously rubbed at his nose. The girl at the counter, Amy, led him back to meet Cash.
He followed her past the row of crates to Cash, two cats following them. She chattered on about Cash…he was good with kids, good with other dogs, good with cats, housebroken…
He nodded along with her conversation, a tickle building in his nose. “Huh-chushh.” He sneezed softly into his elbow.
“Bless you.” She said. “You’re not allergic to dogs, are you? I mean, he’s hypoallergenic….we don’t get many labradoodles…but you don’t want to take a chance.”
He gestured at the now, three cats, behind them, sneezing again. “Hehh-chushhh. It’s the cats. I’m allergic to cats.” He sniffled.
She nodded. “Sorry. They pretty much have run of the place. Let’s get you to your dog.”
A few more feet, and they were at Cash’s kennel. She opened the door and coaxed a medium sized, cream colored, shaggy dog out. “He needs a haircut.” She said.
Freddie let the dog sniff him and lick him; before he knew it, the dog was all over him. He grinned. “I’d like him.” He said happily, sneezing again.
- Cough
Alex sucked harder on the cough drop, which didn’t seem to be doing any good. He took another long sip of water from the bottle on the coffee table and tried to turn his focus back to the tv.
“Hehchuhh.” He sneezed loudly, which triggered a prolonged bout of coughing.
Catching his breath, he made his way to the kitchen and made a cup of tea with plenty of honey, hoping that would get the cough to back off a little so he could sleep.
- Hot/cold
The cough had died down. The sneezing and sniffling was manageable. But, a fever had kicked in. Alex has forgotten how miserable those could be. He was currently in his office, with his coat on.
“Hehchuh. Ehchuhh.”
Tim was passing by in the hallway and hearing him sneeze, poked his head in. “ Bless you, boss.” He grinned.
Alex was hot again. “Thanks.” He blew his nose and slipped his coat off. “I think I have a fever.”
Tim crossed over to him, placing one hand on Alex’s forehead and the other hand on his own. “You’re warm.” He agreed.
Alex sighed, slipping his coat back on.
- Letter
Freddie saw the letter from Jamie’s allergist sitting on the kitchen table when he got home. “Hey, I’m home,” he called, glancing over at the letter.
“Hey,” she came in and gave him a quick kiss.
“Everything ok?” He asked, indicating the letter.
“What? Oh, yeah. Just results from allergy testing. I’m allergic to life. Who knew?” She joked, followed by a pair of sneezes. “Hihhtschoo! Ihhtschoo! Hey, I couldn’t have planned that.”
Freddie skimmed the letter…not much they didn’t already know…just laid out in more specificity than pollens, animals, molds. “These are new.” He pointed at the paper. Pointing out a new food allergy and a latex allergy.
She nodded. “And every pollen in California that’s not in Minnesota is new. But I’m officially not allergic to cats anymore.”
- Care
It never worried him when she woke up sneezing. He was accustomed to that with her allergies. But whenever Jamie woke up coughing, he was concerned.
That was this morning. She was coughing and sneezing and trying to reassure him she was ok. A quick glance at his phone showed a bad allergy day and a bad air quality day with smoke blowing in from the fires. Her inhaler brought her breathing back to normal, and by the end of breakfast, Benadryl had tapered down the sneezing.
He drove her to work, not trusting her nose to give her a break, and told her to call if she needed to leave early. She attempted to kiss him, pulled away to sneeze at the last second, and promised she would.
Freddie went home and changed in to sweatpants. The first thing he did was change the filters on the air conditioner and the air purifiers, hoping to improve the air quality in the condo. Then he dusted, mopped and vacuumed. Then decided to do laundry, just so she wouldn’t have to over the weekend.
She made it until 2:00 before she called him. He went and brought her home, encouraging her to lay on the couch. “Are you hungry?” He asked.
“Hiiihtschoo!” She shook her head. “Hiihhhtschoooo! Dot really.”
He brushed her hair out of her face. “Have you eaten since breakfast?”
Again she shook her head and sneezed.
“I’ll make you anything?”
“Hihh-hihh-Hihhtschoo! Hihhhhhtschooo! Bashed potatoes”. She blew her nose several times.
“Try to rest while I make them.”
- Frail
Jamie was short and skinny. Freddie liked to poke at her and call her scrawny. She was usually pale. Her allergy list was as long as her arm, and she never knew when her lungs would freak out on her. At first glance, you’d think she was frail.
One thing Freddie learned the first year of their relationship, frail she was not. For one, she was nearly as strong and fit as he was. It no longer surprised him to come home and find furniture moved.
And, despite the allergies and asthma, she was healthy. The past year, she had seen him through 2 colds, bronchitis, a sinus infection, pinkeye and strep. She’d caught one cold, and he swore she was better before he was.
“Hihhtschoo! Tschoo! Hihh-Hihhtschoo!” He could hear her exasperated sneezing coming from living room. Even her sneeze, while usually ladylike, would not be described as frail.
- Dainty
“Hiishoo.”
Alex looked up at Alyssa’s breathy sneeze. He opened his mouth to bless her, stopping when she held up her hand.
“Hiiishoo” A second light sneeze.
And a third. “Hehhshoo.”
She dropped her hand down to her side. “Bless you.” He said, handing her a tissue. He smiled as she gently blew her nose; she really was the daintiest about this whole process most of the time.
- Battle (no sneezing)
He was mid banter with the guests when the urge to sneeze struck. He rubbed his finger under his nose trying to forestall it when it was his turn to jump in with a joke. He managed to stay on cue and get laughter to his planned response. Managed to make it a few sentences without sneezing, though he did rub his nose mid sentence at one point. He focused on listening and participating in his show, all the while trying to block the tickle.
Finally he heard in his headset, 15 seconds to commercial, and took the lead to wrap it up for the break. Then, cut for commercial. He relaxed, ducked his head down into his arm and waited. Ehhhhh…..And he lost it. A few seconds later…huhhhhhh….and gone.
“Alex, are you ok?” Steve, one of the guests asked.
He felt his face contort again. “Hehhhhh….” Gone completely. “Had to sneeze since the last segment. Now it’s gone.” He shrugged as they announced 90 seconds to air.
- One
Jamie sat curled up on the couch with Freddie, watching TV. He had just gotten over a cold and wasn’t up to doing much; her allergies were simply being annoying today. Therefore, it was a couch day for them on a March Saturday.
“Hiiihtschoo!” She sneezed, wetly
“Bless you.” Freddie handed her a tissue.
“Thanks.” She took it and held it in anticipation.
Freddie watched her for a minute. “What are you waiting for?”
“More.” She said simply. “There’s always more.”
“Maybe not this time.”
- Never (precedes unforeseen #70 in the first 100)
Tim never sneezed, well almost never. Unless he had a cold, which wasn’t often, or his seemingly random allergies, again, not often, and not this time of year. So why couldn’t he stop now?
“Heyehhshoo, ehhshoo…yehhshoo, hayahhshoo.” He tried to keep them as quiet as possible. It wasn’t that he was a loud sneezer, but he wasn’t quiet either.
Alex looked over from where he was working with Freddie after probably the 10th sneeze. “You ok?
He waved his hand at Alex, as if to brush off his concern. “Huhhyuhhshoo, ihhshoo. Fide.” He sniffled, pulling a tissue from the box Freddie had tossed over and blowing his nose.
His eyes itched, he realized groaning inwardly. This felt like allergies, but inside, in the winter? That had never happened to him before. “Huhhihshoo, yihhshoo.” He tried blowing his nose again and all that got him was two more sneezes.
He heard Alex finishing up with Freddie, and come over next to him. “I’ll come back later to work with you; you don’t seem up to it right now.”
Tim felt the tickle intensify to unbearable proportions as Alex stood next to him and could barely manage to answer. “Sure.” He gasped, turning away. “Uhhruhhshoo, uhhshoo, hurrshoo, huhhruhhshoo.” 4 more sneezes followed as Alex walked out of the room, realizing Tim was in no condition to talk.
“You sure you’re ok?” Freddie asked.
Tim blew his nose, realizing the tickle was beginning to dissipate. “Yeah. Uhhshoo, huyuhshoo. I think the fit is ending. I don’t know what that was. It felt like an allergy attack, but…”
Freddie smirked. “Maybe you’re allergic to Alex.”
- Midnight
Alyssa had taken NyQuil and passed out about 10:00, leaving the others to watch the New Years festivities and have their low key parties. Jamie, Freddie and Tim never went to the New Years bashes, and with Alyssa sick, Alex had decided to skip them too.
He looked over at her, curled in a ball on one of the chairs, snuggling the box of Kleenex. He draped a throw blanket over her, and went back to talking to Tim.
The time passed quickly, and the next he knew, it was 11:55. Did he wake her? He decided to try.
He knelt down beside the chair, placing a hand on her arm. “Lyss?” He gently shook her arm.
“Hahshoo.” She sneezed, and he pulled back. “Go away, Alex. I am not giving this to you.” She blew her nose loudly and coughed, closing her eyes again.
Alex sighed. Looked like he was kissing Tim this year.
- Promise
He had promised his daughter when she visited, he would take her shopping, that they would redo her room.
Now she was here. And he had the worst cold he’d had in recent memory. Headache, body aches, cough that wouldn’t quit, congestion, and, of course, incessant sneezing.
Alyssa had picked her up last night, and he was still in bed when she came running into his room the next morning.
“Hey kid.” He managed, in a stuffed up voice. “How’s by girl?”
“Fine.” She started telling him about her journey out until he interrupted her, sneezing.
“Huhh-chushhh, Huhh-chuhhh, hurrchushoo.” He grabbed a tissue and blew his nose. “Sorry about that.” He apologized.
“Bless you, dad. You’re still sick?”
He nodded, coughing roughly and sitting up to take a drink of water. “Yeah,” he rasped. “Dad’s got a pretty bad cold.” He sneezed again into a tissue, grimacing at how wet it was. He blew his nose a few times. “Sorry, kiddo.”
“So we can’t go shopping today?” She pouted.
“I don’t know.” He didn’t want to break his promise, but, he really wasn’t up to going out in public. “Let me shower and get moving first…then we’ll decide.” He blew his nose again and coughed. “Go get dressed. I’ll start getting up.” He cringed at how congested his voice sounded.
She nodded, leaving with a defeated expression on her face as Alyssa came in to grab clothes. Once his cold got bad, she’d started sleeping in the guest room.
She saw the frustrated expression on his face. “What’s wrong?”
He held up his hand, burying his face in his other arm. “Huhh-churshh, uhhhruhhshh, chuushhahh, ahhchuhh.” Several more nose blows, and he winced at how tender his nose had gotten. “She wants to go shoppig today. Hah–ahheshh. I do’t thik I cad.” More nose blowing.
“Bless you. And no, you can’t. You look like death.”
He hung his head, coughing.
“You were buying things for the room, right? Bedding, curtains, wall stuff, right?” He nodded, scrubbing his nose and blowing it again. “What if Jamie and I took her? It’s more of a girls thing anyway. Then when we get back, you can rearrange and hang everything.”
“Hahheshhuhh. We can try to convince her. Thanks Lyss.”
- Fight
“Hih-hih-hihh-Hihhhhhtschooo!” Jamie sneezed, walking into the kitchen, flopping down on a chair. She wiped her nose with a crumpled tissue. “Hihhh-hihhhh-hhihhhhtschoo!” A pause. “Hehhh…hehhhhhhh….hetschoo!” Another pause, but Freddie noticed the sneezy expression never left her face.
“You alright?” He asked, setting the paper towels next to her.
She tore one off. “Hihhhh…..hihh-Hihhtschoo. Stuck.” She managed.
He looked at her quizzically before catching on. “The sneezes?”
She nodded, holding a paper towel in front of her face as the doorbell rang. Freddie excused himself to go let Alex and Alyssa in. “Hihhh-hihhh-hihhh-hihhh-hihhhshooo!” She blew her nose and waited.
She could hear Freddie ask them to wait in the living room and offer drinks before dinner. He came back in the room with a box of tissues for her. “Figured you didn’t want an audience.”
“Hihhh….ihhh…ihhhschooo!” She shook her head. The sneezes were increasing in intensity as she just wanted them out and no longer cared about restraining them. She grabbed a tissue from the box he handed her and blew her nose. She watched through watery eyes as he poured three glasses of wine and carried two to the living room. She rubbed fiercely at her nose. “Hih-hhh-hih-hih-hhh-hihSchooo!”
“Bless you.” He grabbed the third glass of wine and the bread dip of spinach dip.
“Hihh….hihhhh….hihhhIHHSchoo!” She tried blowing her nose again. She could hear Freddie reassuring Alex and Alyssa that this happens to her sometimes, that she was fine. She fought out six more torturous sneezes over what felt like an eternity, each one louder than the next. She blew her nose and clenched fresh tissues in her hand, praying, again, that the next one would be the last one. “Hhhhahhh….hahhhhhh…hahhh….hahhh-AHHHHSHOOOO!” She blushed at the volume, knowing there were other people within earshot. She blew her nose three times, relieved to find the tickle had abated. She washed her face at the kitchen sink, hoping to look presentable before pouring herself a glass of lemonade. She shyly joined them in the living room, apologizing for what they had just had to listen too.
- The End (see battle)
The tickle resurfaced during his closing monologue, when the camera was solely on him. He’d been fighting the tickle throughout the show, the cold for a few days. He knew it was evident in his voice; that he couldn’t control. But he was simply not going to sneeze on camera; that he would control. He knew he rubbed his hand on his nose more than usual, ok, a lot, just freaking a lot, during the monologue, and he knew he rushed it. He inwardly cringed throughout at the sound of his voice, hoarse, gravelly, increasingly congested. He needed to do his walk off off stage. Finally he could.
He made it *just* off camera.
“Hehh-chuhhh.” His assistant was waiting with a Kleenex box which he accepted gratefully. “Huhh-Ehhchuhh! Ehh-chushhhh, hehhh-chuumpphhh.” He blew his nose. Stupid cold.
- Pollen
It was her first time in Hawaii, and Alyssa was excited. The first day there, Alex suggested a hike, and she was game although slightly concerned about the effect it would have on Alex’s allergies.
Alex led her up his favorite trail. They’d been hiking for about 10 minutes when he heard Alyssa’s breathy sneeze. “Ihhshoo.”
“Bl-“ he started, when he noticed she was gearing up for a second one.
“Hihhshoo.” And a third. “Ihhshoo.” 4 more sneezes followed in rapid succession. She sniffled, looking over at him. “Got a tissue?”
“Bless you.” He said, pulling the pack from his pocket and handing it to her. “You ok?”
“Hihhschooo!” Louder this time. “I don’t know.” She said, baffled. “Just keep sneezing.” She blew her nose.
Alex looked around at the flora surrounding the trail, plants they didn’t have in California as Alyssa sneezed three more times into her tissue. “Sweetie, I think something’s triggering your allergies. Let’s head back.”
- Embarrassed
Alex bounced out onto the stage and began his opening monologue. He was halfway through the second joke when the urge to sneeze struck him. He rubbed a finger under his nose and continued.
He had just started the third joke when the sneeze slipped out. “Huhh–chuhh.” He whipped to the side, away from the audience, away from the panel, feeling heat creep into his face.
That had never happened before. Wanting to melt into the stage, he recovered himself and launched back into the third joke without further incident.
Aggedy Ann 